


Digging a Black Hole

by Qpenguin98



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Introspection, Post Season 4, Season 4 Spoilers, Self-Worth Issues, yknow that whole fun scene at the end of episode 6
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-17
Updated: 2017-10-17
Packaged: 2019-01-18 13:59:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,049
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12389508
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Qpenguin98/pseuds/Qpenguin98
Summary: Were he given the choice to die or be useless, he would gladly take the first.





	Digging a Black Hole

The Blade of Marmora is more welcoming after they find out that Keith has Galra blood in him. It’s not a welcoming thought in his brain, and it certainly doesn’t excuse the wound on his shoulder. He had to spend time in a healing pod after that, for the exhaustion of fighting for two days non-stop, for the split in his shoulder, for the way his ribs felt pummeled into his chest.

They leave him with an offer of training, and in his pain hazed state, he says he’ll think about it. Shiro pilots Red back to the castle, or Red pilots them herself and allows Shiro to sit in the pilot’s seat more like, and he passes out in the middle of telling them he has Galra blood.

Shiro disappears and the year he spent in the desert all alone slams back into him full force. He thought that the next time, no no there wasn’t supposed to be a next time, that Shiro disappeared that he’d be dead. That Keith would get any sort of finality in it, but no, Shiro’s gone yet again, dragging back the uncertainty and fear right along with him.

And of course he had to say what he said about Black, about being her pilot, that he saw leadership inside of him, him, the team proclaimed loner, the outsider, the one that has no social skills to speak of, and certainly not enough self control to lead four other people.

She accepts him, but barely. Her purr is different from Red’s, more of a growl, less comforting inside of his head. He wants Red, he wants her comforting purr in the back of her head, her fast fire under his fingertips, the way she swoops in the open space so effortlessly, like there’s no problem flying through an asteroid field, that nothing can stop the two of them.

She isn’t his anymore, though. She’s Lance’s, she’s _Lance_ _’_ _s_ , who also wanted to stay in his lion, but both of them had to change, for the greater good, for Voltron, and all of its glory.

He loves his team, they’re the closest thing to a family he’s had since he met Shiro, but he doesn’t belong here. Lance tells him with downturned lips that he think’s he’s the weak link, that his connection with Blue isn’t nearly as strong as Allura’s, and that now that Shiro’s back, of course, _of course_ , Keith will want Red back, right? What is he supposed to do?

“Leave the math to Pidge,” he says, and hopes that Lance will understand, that it’s not Lance who’s the weak link, it’s him. Keith doesn’t belong to a lion anymore. He is not the red paladin, and he is not the true black paladin. Red has Lance and Black should have Shiro, all it’ll take is the right shove for that to happen.

Were he given the choice to die or be useless, he would gladly take the first.

Coran arranges “Paladin Vlogs,” which are meant to make them more approachable, seem more human, but he doesn’t think he fits that bill very much anymore.

He thinks back to the Blade of Marmora’s offer, to train him, make him one of their own, and thinks that maybe, just maybe, there’s a place he can fit in.

He almost cries in front of the camera, but shoves his way out of the room, past the other paladins, waiting their turn patiently, and down the hall to the training room. He beats his frustrations into the dummies until Pidge calls off the simulation.

“You know we all care about you right? You can talk to us, you know.”

“Yeah, I know,” he says, sipping on his water pouch, sitting next to them on the wall. “You don’t have to worry.”

“No one said anything about worry,” they say, eyeing him. “But now I’m starting to. What’s wrong?”

They’d been delegated to come and find him after he’d walked out of the video room. Shiro knows their brains are similar, even if he doesn’t have their smarts. They think the same, in awkward, one off thoughts that connect into something bigger sometimes.

“Nothing’s wrong. I just got frustrated, that’s all.”

“Come on, Keith. We’ve been in space together for like a year, you can talk to us about this kind of stuff. Is it just about your mom? Or the pushing people away thing?”

“Both? Neither? I don’t know. I don’t wanna talk about it.”

“You sure?”

“Pretty sure.”

“Alright,” they say, leaning onto him. “You wanna hear about the latest info on Matt?”

He listens to as much as he can, but a lot of it goes over his head. They’re using the team as a temporary family, everyone is, him included, and he can feel the strings holding them all together. If Pidge finds Matt, he’ll be happy for them, he knows how it feels to lose a brother to the same circumstances as theirs, but he’d love to hold the team close to him for just a little longer.

He takes the Blades up on their offer.

They teach him how to be silent, to move quietly, to be nothing but a number on the battlefield, and it feels good, it feels right. Not right enough to work against his instincts of saving all that he can, of saving his teammates, but it feels good to be an unnamed one of many.

Knowledge or death is the Galra way, and if he dies obtaining the knowledge for others, he’s perfectly fine with it.

“What’s with you?” Lance asks him one night, when they’re sprawled on the couches together after a double mission for Keith.

“Nothing,” he mumbles into his hood. That’s the good thing about these Marmora outfits. They may be skin tight, but he can hide himself in his hood so easily. He hadn’t felt up to changing his clothes after going from a Voltron mission straight into a Marmora one. A liberation mission and an information extraction one. His side is killing him, after being thrown around in Black earlier and then getting hit there during the Marmora mission. He knows his ribs are bruised, but the material of his hood is soft against his face, and he doesn’t feel the need to move.

“Don’t try to pull that crap with me. We all know something’s wrong. You’re exhausted all the time, and I know it isn’t just because of the Marmora training.” Lance had decided to join him when he got back, debriefing him on the debriefing he missed and genuinely trying to make him feel better.

“Actually, I think it is just the Marmora training. I haven’t slept in like two days.”

“What?” Lance sits up and looks at him, and Keith slides further into his hood. “Dude, that’s not good, you gotta get some rest there, fearless leader. Just because you’re doing some fancy Marmora training doesn’t mean you have to run yourself ragged. You can take breaks from that you know.”

“I can’t take a break from Voltron, so I’m not breaking from training.” He looks away. “Besides, once Shiro and Black make up, you won’t need me to form Voltron as much. I can’t skimp out on training where I’m most needed.”

“You really hate being the leader, don’t you?”

“I don’t know why Shiro thought I’d be good at it. It’s clear he wants his place back, and I’m happy to give it to him.”

“Buddy,” Lance’s voice is soft, and Keith doesn’t look at him. “We all want you here.”

He’s tired of listening to this pointless back and forth, so he stands, wincing at the bruise on his side. Lance starts standing too, but he waves him off. “I’m going to bed. Wake me up if you need anything.

It carries on like that. He doesn’t bring up his feelings anymore, and the others don’t ask. They shoot him dirty looks when he shows up to missions late, and he doesn’t try to fight it anymore. He disobeys Kolivan’s rules about leaving teammates as much as he can, dragging the injured back onto ships with him. They’ll never get anywhere if all their members are dead.

He almost dies in open space after his team member doesn’t leave in time and dies in a flash bang that rings in his ears.

He hears that Voltron was needed and he wasn’t there, and that Black turned on for Shiro, finally. This spreads relief in his veins, that finally, finally, he’s exhausted his purpose to the team. They won’t want him anymore, and that’s all the more reason to go to the Blade fully.

A barrage of angry faces greet him as he reenters the ship, and all he can do is apologize.

Allura calls him on his bullshit, and if it didn’t hurt so much, he’d vocally agree with her.

Keith tells them that Shiro can be the leader again, and she asks if that’s why he’s been pulling away.

“I guess that’s part of it,” he mutters, and when Hunk asks what the rest of it is, he considers telling them, seeing if they’d really really care after all that he plans on leaving, but instead he feeds them garbage about the Blade and quintessence and his mission and his training.

Shiro puts his hands on his shoulders and tells him that they won’t try to stop him from leaving, and that knife digs deeper into him, solidifying the idea that he’s done here, done with Voltron. He’s no longer a paladin, so what purpose does he serve on this team?

He didn’t think that Shiro of all people would tell him to go off on his own if he wanted, but a year away from earth and a year in space together changes things, he guesses.

They envelop him in a group hug, tell him they’ll miss him, but not one of them says anything to stop him leaving. His face falls as he leaves, and he doesn’t look back as the doors slip shut.

“You need to be stealthier, more alert,” Kolivan tells him on their next mission. “If you keep giving away our position with your recklessness, I’ll have to stop bringing you.”

He nods, silent. If he’s worth nothing here, he’ll be worth nothing everywhere. Voltron’s made it abundantly clear that they don’t need him, so he needs to find his place here.

He’s semi successful in the latest mission, and while Kolivan still sighs at him when he gets back, he doesn’t say anything about not going on the next mission.

Voltron video chats with him whenever he’s free to, and in the latest one he finds a familiar face that he hasn’t seen in over two years.

“ _Matt_?”

“The one and only!” He says, waving. Pidge beams at him through the screen, and he can feel the smile creeping up his face.

“You finally found him.”

“Of course I found him! What do you take me for, Keith? It was a rough couple days out there, but he left me little clues all over.”

There’s something in their eyes that looks different that when he last saw them, and he thinks it has something to do with those “rough couple days.”

“You didn’t get hurt out there, right?”

“No, no I didn’t get hurt. Matty here made sure of that.”

“Then what—”

“You! What about you? I haven’t heard from you in a while.” They interrupt him, and their eyebrows furrow and he decides to ask later, the next time it’s just them on the chat.

“Yeah, how is Shiro’s favorite stray doing?”

Keith wrinkles his nose at that but shrugs. “Fine. Learning more with the blade. Secrecy stealth.”

“Yeah but how are you?” Pidge asks, leaning in closer.

“I said fine,” his voice gets sharp. The hole in his chest aches to talk to them, really talk, but he is not needed there. He would still gladly sacrifice himself to keep them safe, but he is not theirs and they are not his.

“Jeez, grouch much?” Matt says, one eyebrow raised. He knows that Shiro used to talk about him with Matt, and that Matt knows more about him that most of the other paladins, and by circumstance, Pidge has probably heard some things, but he refuses to acknowledge that.

“I’m glad you’re safe, Matt,” he says instead of what he wants. “Pidge, I don’t know what’s wrong with you, but I know it has something to do with finding Matt, and I think you should talk about it.”

They look at him with big eyes, then to each other, and then back at him.

“Tell the others I said hi,” he says, and then ends the call.

Things continue like this, and he grows quieter. He is less of a person, more of a soldier. The feeling of his blade sinking into someone doesn’t leave his mind, and he says nothing about it to anyone. He is doing his job, and he is being useful. He gathers the information he’s been sent to and leaves with as little conflict as he can.

It’s going good, or as close to good as it can. They’re planning on liberating Naxzela, and it’s going well. Their forces are going down, Keith has stationed himself in the battleship and provides covering fire from the ground.

And then the ship comes, and stops, too far away to be comfortable. And then Voltron gets locked on Naxzela. And then the pressure of the gravity is going to make the planet explode, killing all life in the next ten systems.

He get up in the air in his tiny little fighter ship, and him and the rebels try their best to break the barrier between them and the witch, but nothing is working, none of their weapons are working.

Matt’s face pops up on his screen. “We’ll never penetrate those shields!”

Keith has a harrowing moment where he actually has to think about what he’s going to do next, but the answer is obvious.

“Maybe not with our weapons,” he says quietly, and guns the controls as fast as he can.

Matt is screaming at him through the coms, but he ignores him. If he can do just this one thing, this one last thing with his life for Voltron, he’ll be content. If he hits the shield with his ship, maybe, just maybe, the resounding explosion will be enough to break the barrier.

Time moves slowly, and he thinks about them all, their faces, their laughs, the way they look when a mission goes right for once.  He stares the cruiser head on, and when he gets close enough to feel the resistance from his ship, he closes his eyes and doesn’t let himself regret this decision.

Victory or death is the Galra way. Knowledge or death is the Blade’s. If they fail, they all die, but if he succeeds, there is no death but his.

He can’t help the thought that now he’ll be wanted, now that he’s done something undoable for the team, they’ll want him.

It fills the schism beneath his ribs.

And then the blast comes, but not from him, and the heat seeps through the cracks in his ship and he opens his eyes and veers up sharply.

“Good work Keith,” crackles into his ship, and he has to wonder if they really didn’t know what he was about to do.

“That wasn’t me,” he says, a little dazed. “It was Lotor. The canon on his ship was the only thing powerful enough to take down that shield.”

And the Lotor’s voice shoves itself into their com link, and he narrows his eyes. Lotor is not their friend. He may have just saved all their lives, but he is not their friend. He has nothing that they could gain.

Everyone is called back to the ship, to have discussions and maybe make a treaty.

He’s not looking forward to it.

Their discussion is tedious, and Lotor seems like he’s hiding a lot of things, but he has resources they can’t get elsewhere. The main talk and negotiations are put on hold until the next day, so that everyone can get some rest and have a fresh mind before agreeing to anything.

Being back in the castle is strange. It’s comforting and familiar while at the same time not. He touches the wall gently with his fingertips, and lets the feeling of cool alien metal seep into his skin.

There are footsteps, loud footsteps, coming from behind him, and he turns to find Pidge stalking toward him angrily.

He puts his hands up, confused, and they drag him into a hug. “Matt told me what you did, or almost did, or just straight up did, I don’t know anymore.”

Oh, he thinks. They didn’t know what he was planning to do. “I’m okay,” he says gently.

“Like fuck you are,” they say, and they pull back, looking at him with big, watery eyes. “You’re not okay and you haven’t been since before you left for the Blade.”

They yank at his wrist and pull him towards the common room, and no, oh no, he is not going to have the “you almost just killed yourself” conversation.

Keith pulls his arm back, and levels them with a stare. “I’m fine, Pidge. I don’t need to go talk it out or whatever you’re taking me to do.”

“Matt told the team, you idiot, not just me. This is gonna happen whether you want it to or not.”

“Then I’m leaving,” his voice catches on the last syllable. They look at him with the pained expression. “I’m not going to argue about how stupid it was for me to try that. It wasn’t stupid, and it was the only possible out in that situation, for any of you. I couldn’t sit there and watch all of you die, let alone all the people in the surrounding systems.”

“You think we want you dead, idiot? No! We don’t! We’ve missed you so much, and then the first time we see you in person, you’re about to go kill yourself by blowing up your ship in a stupid ploy that might not have even worked!”

They grab his hand back and yank him down the hallway, and this time, he doesn’t fight. He hadn’t even considered the possibility of it not working.

They shove him into the common room, and the whole team is there, plus Matt, who looks not a bit sheepish. Pidge does something to the door, he thinks they lock it so he can’t run away from this.

They’re all staring at him with the same, thinly veiled fear and sadness in their eyes, and he fidgets uncomfortably.

“Hey,” he says, sitting on the free couch. Pidge sits next to him, practically on him, and leans their whole weight on his side. Their arms come around his middle, and he can feel the shaking in their hands.

“Keith,” Shiro starts, and then stops, scrubbing at his face. He looks tired, and there’s a pang of guilt at the thought that he’s forcing them to have this conversation. His tongue is heavy in his mouth, though, so he doesn’t say anything.

“What the hell, man?” Lance has his arm crossed defensively and his legs kicked out, but his face is so openly concerned that Keith doesn’t really know what emotion he’s meant to get from him. “Where do you get off almost killing yourself?”

“I don’t,” he says. “I was doing what had to be done. Voltron is important, not saying anything about the countless lives that would’ve been lost. I couldn’t let that planet explode, and that was the best way the break through that shield. We didn’t have big enough weapons, and Voltron was too far away. If it had worked, you would have won.”

“You’re just as important as everyone here,” Hunk says, not looking at him.

“But not more so.” Pidge practically crawls on top of him when he says this, looping their legs over his in an attempt to get closer. “I’m expendable, you all aren’t.”

“Is that what you really think?” Shiro looks at him. “Do you really think you’re expendable?”

“I mean, I don’t pilot a lion anymore, you don’t need me.”

“Of course we need you!” Allura looks horrified at the thought. “You are still a paladin of Voltron, regardless of the status of your lion.”

“You’ve all been doing just fine without me. Pidge found Matt! You got so many people to join the coalition! I was never a good leader, I know that, and you all do too. Black is Shiro’s, and Red is Lance’s now. That’s okay.”

Red. He hasn’t thought about Red in so long. He want to leave here and curl up in her warm purr, listen to her grumble about something or other, but Red hasn’t been his for a long time.

“That’s not it, is it?” Matt gives him this look. “That’s not all?”

He shakes his head. “I don’t… I don’t want to be useless. And if I can’t do anything here, I’m useless. You don’t need me, and if you don’t need me, you won’t want me.”

There’s a sniffle from below him, and he looks down to find Pidge crying. Panicking, he wraps his arms around their shoulders. “What? What’s wrong? That’s how it works.”

“That’s not how it’s supposed to,” Lance says, looking at him with sympathy, and Keith scowls. He isn’t here for sympathy.

“I’m not trying to argue with you. I did what was right for everyone involved, and you all know it.”

“No one wants you dead,” Hunk says, finally looking at him.

“I’m not saying you do! I’m saying I’m not needed and you don’t want me here, but I still care, so if I can save you, I’m going to. I’m not apologizing for that.”

“We want you here!” Shiro slams his hands onto the couch. “It doesn’t matter if you don’t fly a lion, though you can if you want. I can’t speak for Lance, but you can fly Black whenever you want. I don’t care if you think you’re useless or expendable or any other words you think you are. You’re not. You’re our team, Keith. You’re our family. We don’t want to see you hurt, and we definitely don’t want to see you dead. I told you I was fine with you going to the Blade because I thought that’s what you wanted, not because you were scared and thought you needed to become no one for us to want you again.”

“We missed you,” Pidge wobbles out against his chest. “ _I_ missed you. It felt like losing another brother when you left, and then hearing that you… that you we’re going to willingly die just because we weren’t fast enough to stop you, it hurt. You’re so important to us, and we never wanted you to leave in the first place. We were frustrated that you were showing up late, but we didn’t want you gone, we wanted you to be there more.”

That…that sounds like it could be real, but he isn’t so sure. Shiro gets up from his spot across from him and takes the seat on his side not occupied with crying Pidge. The rest of the team comes over and presses themselves into the free spots, and it’s like the group hug before he left, but better. This time, they don’t want him to leave. They hope he won’t.

He doesn’t want to leave.

“I don’t want to go.”

“Then don’t,” Lance says, squeezing at his hand. “Stay here. The Blade can suck it. You’re too important to pull that crap again, Keith, okay? You don’t get to sacrifice yourself for us.”

He nods, because while he would do it again in a heartbeat, even if he actually had to die in the end, he knows that’s not what they want. They want him, right there, with them, surrounded by warm arms and watery eyes and wobbly voices that crack when they get too full of emotion.

And he wants to be there too.

**Author's Note:**

> hello! its been a hot second since ive written for voltron, but oh man season 4 was very good. also i love my boy keith, and i love what his character arc is doing, and im so excited to see everything play out. there were some great ticks for keith angst in this season, even if he wasn't in most of it. Especially that whole bit a the end of the season with him almost dying to save the team, i loved it. It hurt, but i loved it


End file.
